Local Business Changes with the Times

Everywhere, World — RNG  — A man who has spent his life one step behind events sent his personal assistant out yesterday to buy a selection of potted plants “so he can masturbate into them when young women come to apply for work.”

Ron Twainthorpe, 45, is proprietor of “Nadir Linotype”, a firm specializing in linecast printing of encyclopedias. Business has dropped off a tad and Mr Twainthorpe is hoping to boost sales by having his staff serve customers while dressed in lingerie, which they must supply.

In a cost saving effort he has dispensed with expensive furniture for office personnel and they now all must sit in his lap.


Editors Note: An earlier version of this story failed to include that employees wishing a raise must address Mr Twainthorpe as “Daddy”.  RNG regrets the omission.  
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