Shithole Regrets Not Making it Official

Schadenfreude, Alberta, affectionately known as ‘the biggest shithole on the planet’ for over a century has expressed regret that they failed to register this motto officially as an international trademark. The desolate, joyless settlement, best employed as a prison camp (and coincidentally used as such in decades past) is known even by its most devout residents as ‘the place where God puts the hose when he gives the Earth an enema’. The city is licking its wounds after comparatively delightful places like Somalia and Haiti have nabbed the title from its grasp.

Village Asbestos Spa & Political Reeducation Retreat – 1980 – (Summer)

The title of Biggest Shithole was a major component in the marketing strategy of ‘Hate City Board of Tourism’, the volunteer organization of travel and leisure activities for the region.

Their purview includes upkeep of the stockade in Village Gardens, where intellectual curiosity is punishable by a day with wrists and neck locked within it. The board also imports rotting fruit from the Okanagan (an exotic rarity) with which to pelt the offender. A quick stop at the Magic Underwear Museum & Gift Tabernacle, and then off to another attraction — the very popular Cemetery Tour. Although there is no person of historical note buried at the site tourists often come just to reassure themselves that everyone they’ve met so far eventually ends up there. Additionally the Board coordinates the yearly torchlight parade in the shopping district and mans the First Aid kiosk that treats goose-stepping injuries, free of charge.

Less a cemetery than a ‘mound’

In a statement on Friday Board Chairman Vern De Breuer said, “Boyo, I dunno whad de fuk we gunna do now, eh?…Billy Johnson said mebbe call ‘er the ‘City o’ Light’…”

Reports from Agence France Presse indicate that at least one Parisian has died laughing after having read this quote.

A telephone survey held on Saturday revealed that only 1 respondent per thousand had every heard of the blighted locale, but those who had visited there were most forthcoming with suggestions for a new Urban Tagline.

The top ideas so far have been:

  1. “Home of the Family Fist Fight”.
  2. “World’s Largest Exporter of Grief”.
  3. “Still Only the Sixth Level of Hell”.
  4. “The Home of Gale Force Hopelessness”.
  5. “We Gotta Bridge You Can Jump Offa”.
  6. “Frigid & Forbidding But at Least Cursed”.
  7. “Mile Zero of the Road to Hell”.
  8. “Over 50% of Signs Spelled Correctly”.
  9. “Funeral Home For the Living”.
  10. “Whatever It Is We’ll Beat It Outta You”.
  11. “A Great Place to Die”.
  12. “Give Up – We Did”.
  13. “Who Needs Imagination When You Have Doritos?”
  14. “Electricity Coming Soon!”
  15. “Even Siberia Has Trees!!”
  16. “Don’t Talk Foreign”.
  17. “Why Did They Change it to ‘Canola’?”



Vince R Ditrich :: Random Note Generator :: © 2018 :: All Rights Reserved