Last quarter’s stats are in: The hottest new app last Christmas was SNUBTEXT, a brilliant new translation program that allows users to extrapolate the actual unvarnished truth from vacation email auto-responses. It’s only a novelty for now until developers perfect it for more in-depth text, scheduled for release in Fall 2018, and they’re betting its going to be the next big thing.
After downloading this sweet app you can try it right away. It will automatically make clear the subtext of any auto-response. Beta testers randomly tried it on a message received just before the holidays from a huge entertainment corporation based in Hollywood. It read, “Thank you for your email. I will be away until Jan 7 but will be checking email occasionally.”
However, the SNUBTEXT gave the bald-faced truth:
“You sent me an email although personally I don’t give a shit. I will be at my Villa in España until Jan 7 but my officious lickspittle Personal Assistant, Sarah, will have her achingly stylish 20 year old Intern (also named Sarah) — who thinks music was invented in 2012 check emails when not at the 5 Star Palm Springs Spa ‘Groupies with Expense Accounts’.
They fully expect to see Cher’s wig-tech there.
In the meantime, if you are a MUSICIAN: Just go and ‘muse-ish’, or busk in fingerless gloves, or do whatever it is you people do to distract yourselves from penury and bad fiscal decisions. We stopped listening to music 30 years ago and only look at it now. By the way, your look is passé…
Actually we pity you, you fat balding twat – this should explain all our passive-aggressive smiling and gaze avoidance on the rare occasions we bump into you at one of those down-market music awards ceremonies where we occasionally deign to take hotter stars in an off year — stars with wig-techs and byzantine dietary demands who are ‘beginning to work in films’.
If you are an ACTOR: We love you guys! You’d fellate a syphilitic goat on a shit pile to get a gig and then the whole office chuckles uproariously as you preach moral superiority while collecting a glorified bowling trophy for the role…Once, Gere invoked the Dalai Lama! If you become suspicious of our motives we will suddenly tell you that you have a FANTASTIC VOICE and you will become distracted with yet more delusions of grandeur, this time believing that you are a great singer because you can dress like one!
If you are a Producer of Movies, TV or Music: Please be sure to leave a message that is saccharin and ingratiating, even suck-hole, so that we know you are serious enough to have learned the fine art of kissing up but kicking down. You have to take it up the ass a few times before you can pay it forward!
NB: We might however kiss your ass if you are a sociopath. I myself can’t even play a mouth organ yet I’ll blow any asshole who’ll publicly humiliate me! So cruelly ironic. Happy Holidays.”