Santa’s Interest in Wine Deepens

Nanoose Bay (RNG) — In an unprecedented break with tradition, Santa Claus plans to spend the Christmas season ‘quite tipsy’. This year, gift fulfillment accuracy cannot be assured and should not be expected; gift wrapping will almost certainly be asymmetrical, ham-handed and verging on tragic. 

Additionally, for all the children awakened on Christmas Eve to the sound of shouting, it will be Santa bellowing something along the lines of ‘where’s my damned crescent wrench?’ They are advised to ‘just go back to sleep’. 

Mrs. Claus decided that a moratorium would be placed on gifts to In-Laws. Formerly, prior to an annual visit, she dutifully displayed a cheap-assed wine rack that her brother-in-law (Graham Claus) gave her in 2005, along with one measly bottle of vinegary wine better suited to cleaning the glass in the shower stall. And to think with all the money they make…

…she dutifully displayed a cheap-assed wine rack that her brother-in-law (Graham Claus) gave her in 2005

Santa Claus himself spent far too much time in his workshop, growling angrily at the radio as it emanated a succession of jingle bell laden nausea by histrionic Pop stars. A dance mix of ‘Oh Come All Ye Faithful’ mewled by a woman in a fur bikini made him think he’d inhaled too many paint fumes as he finished a dollhouse that took weeks to construct. It was destined, sadly, to be stepped-on and smashed into splinters by Boxing Day as the children unwisely played tennis with their new guitar. 

Mrs. Claus, determined to keep gifts hidden away from prying eyes, cleverly left them in the back of her Yuletide Jeep, only to discover on December 23rd that some Naughty Elf had opened the cargo door, blithely left unlocked — because who would steal things up here at the North Pole? All gifts intended for the bright-eyed children were now gone, but someone left behind empty Lucky cans as a calling card. Mrs. Claus used some novel and exciting seasonal language that made the Reindeer gasp, and which rattled the giant candy canes at her front door. Then she had a holly-jolly good Christmas cry and went in search of Santa Claus’s stash of Malbec. 


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