Qualicum Resident Surprises Literally No One by Driving Terribly in the Snow

Qualicum Beach — (RNG) – Area resident Margueritha VanderKollision has established a ‘new normal’ by ditching her 1969 Ford Fairlane in Qualicum Beach recently. This is the seventh straight snowfall where she has ditched, collided or bumper-locked since 2004.

Part of Mrs VanderKollision’s success rate comes from her daily routine of fixating on the Environment Canada website, bookmarked by her daughter and easy to find in Netscape 3.0. When a snow advisory is posted she spends between two and six hours fretting. Another two hours is spent checking her supplies, with special attention to items such as eggs, tapioca, toilet tissue, Downy and sardines, and then at the very last minute she gets into her car and departs at her best speed, in order to ‘beat the blizzard’.

At the check-out, surprised that the cashier wants her to pay, she spends a full two minutes looking for her pocket book, followed by another 90 seconds attempting to dig out a dime (to make it easier for the lady at the till). If in search of her Q-Card all bets are off as she will be stranded at checkout #3 until Spring. Barring that, Mrs VanderKollision then maneuvers her giant sedan out of the parking lot and usually manages to sideswipe at least one parked car pretty darned severely while crushing a buggy against a light standard. (At that time she is in reverse so it doesn’t really count).

After the tricky left turn at the lights, she careers downward to the gas station where the road ends, but her journey does not. Snow is flying and she drives into a whirling cloud that transfixes and hypnotizes like the Millennium Falcon going into hyper drive, obscuring her plunge onto the beach.

Then, either a Mountie or the tow-truck driver fetches her home, where she can get on the blower with her daughter and comment on the ‘wretched weather’. The next morning she will visit the local ICBC office which has a tin of Murchie’s No. 10 especially reserved for her in the cupboard right above the tea kettle.


ch graveyard



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