Oceanside — RNG – A local first-time mother and part time online psychic who boasts unsurpassed Googling skills while simultaneously channeling spiritual forces from the great beyond has, after numerous visits to a pediatrician, admitted that it was unlikely that her infant son was suffering from Dengue Fever, Progeria, or an imbalance of bodily humours brought about by insufficient blood letting.
A crack team of local pediatricians assured her repeatedly that the child’s fever was a regular, garden variety, boring old fever, in no way worthy of a panicked telephone call to International Centre For Infectious Diseases, nor did she need to smudge her car with Mugwort & Sage.
Her fear of Progeria, a genetic condition causing rapid aging, was found instead to be normal, everyday post-natal growth. She sought out a second opinion regarding imbalances of bodily humours from a Magical Medieval Barber who prescribed listening to vaguely tuned Lutes, as well as applying leeches to the child’s skin.
Instead she listened closely to the flat vocal mewling of ‘Pumped Up Kicks‘ on Spotify in repeat-mode for an entire evening. At that point her nausea and revulsion was so intense that she was unable to touch the “super-gross” leeches and left the bodily humours to fix themselves. As a hedge, she hung crystals all over the child’s crib while checking a Psychic Crystal Healing App to be sure she used the correct ones.
The child, named ‘Nag Champa C++ Namaste O’Leary’, failed to collapse, become possessed, hemorrhage like a bursting dam, shed his epidermis, turn yellowish-green, explode, burst his pipeline cache, hover, or make celphones malfunction in his proximity.
His mother finally admitted that she might be a little over-the-top in her efforts to be the best Mom she can be. This was, at least, what the augury of chicken innards told her, confirmed via pic on Instagram.
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