Uni,
If you can possibly manage it, would you pretty-please be a dear and eradicate the following things:
- Twizzlers offered as a meal on Air Canada, and having to pay for them with a credit card.
- Guests who propose the first toast even though I am the host, it’s my honour, and I haven’t even finished pouring the wine, for chrissakes.
- Gargantuan, 11 foot tall pickup trucks that cost 900% more than my Mom & Dad’s first house, driven by stylish Moms in bedazzled Jeans & super-high heels, requiring a ladder welded to the frame for successful egress, used in order to fetch ONE basket of strawberries (and ‘a pack of smokes’…)
- My dog barking at weird things on TV such as ‘Oil of Olay’.
- Shoes not being where I left them. I swear, I’m going to snap….
- Rogue mustard stains on my shirt. I have been hexed by Grey Poupon which resents my élan.
- $14 light-bulbs that last 4 days.
- “New-Kew-Lar” & “Fer-tog-rafer”.
- Working on a ladder up high, using bifocals. No human neck can be expected to bend like that.
- Movies about Space. It’s against the laws of physics to make a u-turn in orbit, Hollywood. Sorry. Just stop already.
- Really expensive toilet paper. Everybody knows what it’s used for: It is used for wiping your damn ass. Admit it and slash the price, STAT.
At these prices Tarzan should wipe for you, too. - And finally, kind and munificent universe, do something about the guy in the red Lincoln SUV that flung a lit cigarette butt into the grass ditch at the height of the worst fire season in living memory, 6 feet from a stand of 150 foot high bone dry trees, while I watched utterly disbelieving, too stunned to even get his plate number. May you get incurable jock itch and be forced to wear mittens….Sleep well, fuckwit.
Vince R Ditrich – http://www.randomnotegenerator.com – © 2017 All Rights Reserved
Bridesmaids GIF: www.vogue.com
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