Note to Universe

Uni,

If you can possibly manage it, would you pretty-please be a dear and eradicate the following things:

Twizzlers offered as a meal on Air Canada, and having to pay for them with a credit card.
Guests who propose the first toast even though I am the host, it’s my honour, and I haven’t even finished pouring the wine, for chrissakes.
Gargantuan, 11 foot tall pickup trucks that cost 900% more than my Mom & Dad’s first house, driven by stylish Moms in bedazzled Jeans & super-high heels, requiring a ladder welded to the frame for successful egress, used in order to fetch ONE basket of strawberries (and ‘a pack of smokes’…)
My dog barking at weird things on TV such as ‘Oil of Olay’.
Shoes not being where I left them. I swear, I’m going to snap….
Rogue mustard stains on my shirt. I have been hexed by Grey Poupon which resents my élan.
$14 light-bulbs that last 4 days.
“New-Kew-Lar” & “Fer-tog-rafer”.
Working on a ladder up high, using bifocals. No human neck can be expected to bend like that.
Movies about Space. It’s against the laws of physics to make a u-turn in orbit, Hollywood. Sorry. Just stop already.
Really expensive toilet paper. Everybody knows what it’s used for: It is used for wiping your damn ass. Admit it and slash the price, STAT.
At these prices Tarzan should wipe for you, too.
And finally, kind and munificent universe, do something about the guy in the red Lincoln SUV that flung a lit cigarette butt into the grass ditch at the height of the worst fire season in living memory, 6 feet from a stand of 150 foot high bone dry trees, while I watched utterly disbelieving, too stunned to even get his plate number. May you get incurable jock itch and be forced to wear mittens….Sleep well, fuckwit.