Nanoose Bay — (RNG) — A Regional District SepticSmart Workshop ended in chaos and confusion when warring couples resorted to fisticuffs over frequency of draining and cost of waste recycling.
The Johnsons of Nanoose were incensed that it was so costly to truck away effluent and said as much, while the Kowalskis of Parksville sniffed huffily that perhaps they ‘shouldn’t produce so much of it’. This descended into a yelling match about quilted toilet paper, vegetarianism and rigid toileting schedules and also rudely interrupted the remarks of guest speaker Kyle Sprey, author of the cheery septic self-help book ‘Howdy Do, Poo!’
Mr Johnson, at the end of his rope, laid a roundhouse on Mr Kowalski who had turned to move aside a model of an ‘infiltrator system’ and subsequently crushed it under his falling body. His wife, Mrs Kowalski, then rose to her feet and lit upon Mr Johnson. The battle royale was on.
A bystander, Mr Jensen of Ucluelet, having attended purely for the sensual pleasure associated with Septic System Workshops, waded into the fray but ineffectively attempted a stylized Kung Fu move on Mrs Kowalski. She replied with a swiftly delivered velcro-strapped tan walking shoe to his drainage field, at which point Mrs Johnson attacked from behind, suddenly and viciously cracking a folding chair across her shoulders.
She stumbled, hit a a nearby fan (as you do in such combat) and went down like a sack of shite. The Regional District representative shrieked like a schoolgirl, fled the scene and stabbed frantically at 911 on his mobile phone. He could be heard screaming, “It’s a Donnybrook! I said Donnybrook! Aarrgh! ‘Donnybrook’. Oh bother….Capital D-O-N-N-Y-B…”
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