Monthly Music Report

The world of music gives us these stories in May:

:: Excessively cheery Glockenspeil player choked by crotchety Trombonist

:: Guitarist ‘positive’ he needs tenth Telecaster

:: Keyboardist with perfect hair oddly disappointed at low quality of gas station hoagie

:: Drummer convinced band likes Chinese cymbal as much as he does

:: Tribute band bassist realistic, now only uses bottom two strings

:: Clarinetist unable to switch shifts at White Spot

:: Retired background vocalist admits she stopped learning lyrics 20 years ago

:: Cellist in Crisis: Realizes symphony is cover band of 300 year old songs

:: Guest conductor a total twat

:: Folk Singer regards perfectly tuned guitar as ‘awfully fancy’

:: Lovely nap by classic rock band interrupted by show

:: Accordion listed by New England Journal of Medicine as form of ‘alternative birth control’

:: Hostile rhythm section ejects audience members who can’t clap on ‘ 2 & 4’

:: Honolulu drummer jumps into active volcano – forced to play ‘Wipeout’ for 5000th time

:: Bob Dylan concert grinds to halt – No one notices

:: Annoying sound tech is militantly vegan yet smokes heavily

:: Underpaid Horn Section threaten to play tambourine

:: Bassist glowers at pianist with ‘busy left hand’

:: 26 musicians lose all hope in humanity when Coltrane described as ‘Lounge-y’

:: Symphonic percussion section determined to play in the groove ‘some day’

:: Glam Rock bassist now too fat to plug-in amp

:: Tympanist ‘damn tired’ of playing ‘pum pum‘ over and over

:: “Music Journalist” believes ‘rap‘ and ‘song‘ are the same thing

:: Violin section ‘pretty sure’ everything except them is too loud

:: Randy Bachman caught fondling Country Gentleman

:: Inspired by guitarists, keyboardist changes pianos every song

:: Intense hostage situation: 1st Violinist with gun to head STILL can’t ad lib

:: Musician thinks ‘King Oliver’ is Old School; A&R Rep thinks it’s ‘LL Cool J’.

:: Trumpeter constantly winces while reading Twitter — Thinks hashtags are sharps.

:: Singer wakes daily at 1pm or so and blames ‘blood sucking labels’ for lack of success