RNG – Inspired by a ‘Multi-Language Smart Voice Translator’, a handheld gadget that translates any spoken English phrase into the language of the user’s choice, Vancouver entrepreneur and Real Estate dabbler Pearl White has devised a device that can convert even the most banal statement into an emotional, exaggerated diatribe.
Take for example the statement, “I can’t find my keys”. If spoken into the unit the translated phrase becomes, “I’ve had a migraine for weeks and my doctor hasn’t got a CLUE what is wrong…I demanded a BRAIN SCAN…And I lost my keys at the clinic…”
“Snack Bar closes in 15 minutes” becomes, “Who needs food? My son barely visited me in the hospital…You might as well bury me NOW. I have nothing left to live for…”
Having spent over 50 years melodramatically embellishing nearly ever facet of her life, Mrs White has decided that, going forward, she must re-focus her energies, while preserving the style and reputation of her character. Never one to say, “No, thank you” when a long, agonized denunciation is just right there, sitting before her like a delicious pudding with whipped-cream topping, Pearl has discovered that the Gripemaster 1000 has eased her workload “by 90%”. It now has liberated vast amounts of spare time to pursue her favourite hobbies, getting stubborn stains out of pants, and scrap-booking.
As if to underscore her point, she held the device up to her lips and whispered, “No parking in the loading zone”, and sat back with delight as the unit began delivering a 20 minute long harangue on her husband’s prostate inflammation vis a vis the proximity of public restrooms to the car park.
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