RNG – It all started with Mrs O’Donnell’s Comfort Cobra ‘Kenny‘ which bobbed hypnotically in her lap in 14B. Her seat-mates managed to suppress their alarm but felt pressured into going along, lest they be tagged as anti-serpent on Twitter. The situation did not sit well with Mr. Worthington’s Comfort Mongoose, ‘Spot’, which launched itself onto the lap of the unnamed female sitting in 14-Charlie and commenced attacking the hooded, spitting, hissing reptile, deadly yet loving and overflowing with comfort, venom, and salmonella. The unnamed Unaccompanied Minor passenger in 14C awaits plastic surgery for her lacerations at the time of writing.
The Vancouver flight had already gotten off badly late as the Comfort Animals nearly outnumbered the human passengers and not even Lufthansa has yet discovered a proper restraint and oxygen mask for a Comfort Slime Mold, which was at that moment causing problems in 2B.
Back in 30-Delta, Mrs Shoemaker, accompanied by her rashy and unsightly Comfort Thoroughbred Horse (the recently retired “Man o’ Warts“), both became keyed up by the fracas in the middle of the craft. Man o’ Warts comforts Mrs Shoemaker due to her traumatic Dermatological condition — the horse is also often used to reassure high status urban teens with a zit; it began to kick and whinny.
A liquor cart was upturned leaving a touring rock band in a state of high anxiety. One of them was heard to shriek, “What? There’s no more beer?”, at which time a panic ensued in row 27, all six seats. 27 Bravo, the bassist, in desperate straights, launched himself over the seat and grabbed onto a passenger’s Comfort Plague Rat with little thought for the survival of his musical ensemble and their upcoming tour of nice-ish Casinos.
Already growly from the pitiful proffered bag of pretzels, Comfort Honey Badger (‘Boo Boo’) was having none of the service stoppage due to the discord all around him and ran down the aisle toward the Flight Attendant, who was at that moment trying to stuff herself in a stowage container near the forward lavatory. A 200 lb bag of ants, brought on-board for the snacking pleasure of Mrs. Mason’s Aardvark ‘John Byner‘, was jammed carelessly into the overhead bin and was discovered by Boo-Boo Badger after it was pointed out by a clearly anxious Mr Leinigen in 19A.
A full on death match commenced between the Honey Badger (who don’ give a shit) and the ferocious, deadly Aardvark. A lady we shall call ‘Jim Wilson‘, next to Aardvark in 18 G, was just tucking into her cup of tea and bag of chewy Werthers and did not survive the Ant Fight. Her funeral details will be announced after her remains are identified by a forensic coroner.
A youth requiring life saving surgery was bumped from the flight due to space restrictions, and still sits forlornly in the empty concourse waiting area far, far from the restrooms, sucking on a cold cup of tea in a tan, plastic cup. However, he may well have avoided shredding, decapitation, and stomping in the final epic battle between Man o’ Warts and Honey Badger near the galley. It was fought to a draw but only because the horse kicked out a window, caused explosive decompression, and left the Honey Badger sucked half-out of the aircraft, still fighting but minus his radius of action. Several passengers reported strikes on and about the head from flying road apples, let loose during takeoff, and made airborne during the violent decompression.
In a hilarious aside, the guitarist from the band sitting in row 27 was struck in the head by one of the aforementioned road apples and exclaimed without irony, “This is horseshit, man!”
After an emergency landing passengers were re-booked on a later flight and given a $10 snack coupon as well as a complimentary moist towelette.
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