It started as a classified ad…

But then the truth tumbled out

FOR SALE — Pearl Double Decker Drum Rack System:  Magnificent and awe inspiring, a status symbol, perfect if you are about to rock-out to ‘Big Bottom’ and expect to explode in flames at any moment, making your final performance legendary.

With 20 (yes, 20) PC-10 mounting brackets, no longer made by Pearl and difficult to find, you can mount endless equipment on a platform so stable that Simone Biles could swing around on it at the same time, thereby combining Olympic Gymnastics with Olympic Drumming. 

This unit will also hold far more carelessly thrown clothing than any Peloton stationary bike and sidesteps a sore back from bending down to ventilate one’s ‘not-quite-dirty-enough-to-launder’ gonch on a rowing machine. It could also act as a superlative closet organizer or metal framework for a woodshed, animal or clarinetist’s shelter, sounding rocket launch pad, or billboard. If you have toddlers, it would work a treat as a safety gate at the top of the steps and it’s large enough to cover off even the grandest formal staircase, just in case you’re a drummer/multimillionaire aristocrat.

The system is especially useful if you need to ensure that your drums can never be set up incorrectly, leaving you drenched in flop sweat, feverishly rearranging the catastrophic handiwork of a bonged-up Folk Fest volunteer, with only sixty seconds to downbeat. Be advised, though, that it guarantees an EPIC FAIL if Howie from Rawlins Cross, a southpaw, readjusts all the hardware and forgets to tell you.

For those with an annoying proclivity to focus on the utilitarian aspects of such a purchase, one could, I suppose, rig it to hold the entire backline of a small band. It could be made resplendent with keyboards, microphones on goosenecks, doodads, and other things that make too damn much noise when the punters are trying to watch the hockey.

When broken down the unit fits comfortably into the trunk of a ’66 Chrysler Imperial – and in fact a boot that large would also fit the drummer, who, by the way, might need to live there after having spent his life savings on the unit.

This is a fantastic and impressive system that also served as an indoor climbing gym for the children — after a very brief stint as a meat hanging rack, as I experimented with smoked ham during the bleak ‘post-major label’ years. Now that I think of it, I could probably repurpose the bottom rack as a walker in my rapidly approaching dotage…

This unit will raise your profile in the covert and shadowy Double Decker Drum Rack community. Its members speak a secret language, which you already know but don’t realize, as they mumble powerful incantation that summon the spirits of their high priests– Holy men like Vic Firth and some guy named Emperor Remo. The ‘Ludwig’ to which they kneel is NOT Beethoven.

Approximate height: Taller than me. Approximate width: Wider than my apelike wingspan. Approximate weight: A million pounds when carrying it upstairs, but weightless when heaving it off the loading dock.

If you have found yourself ignored and invisible, stuck in a dark corner of the stage, providing reliable timekeeping and a fat, delicious groove for the benefit of an ungrateful, atonal wedding singer who thinks that ‘packing up’ means they’ve put their microphone in a pouch, this unit is for you!  

Vince R Ditrich © 2022 :: All Rights Reserved :: Random Note Generator :: “A One Man Magazine” ::
Now Available :: The Liquor Vicar :: A novel by Vince Ditrich :: Dundurn Press – Toronto
Coming This Summer :: The Vicar’s Knickers